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Dear Grandpa

I visited you today.  It’s been so hard to go see you.  It’s a beautiful day outside.  You’d love it.  It’s a “go to a Rangers game” sort of day.  A day pregnant with potential.  I told Chad that today is one of those days where you feel like anything is possible.  It belies the sadness that I can’t help but feel inside because it was three years ago that you heard me say “I love you” for the last time.  It was three years ago that my life changed because you were no longer in it.

I don’t know how to say everything I want to say to you.  I have been truly grieving your loss for the first time since you’ve been gone.  That was why it took me so long to go to your grave side.  I haven’t been angry and I don’t blame anyone – not you, not God, not even life – I just want so badly for it to be different.

Life has been so different from what I thought it would be since you’ve gone.  I lost my way for a while and have been fighting with everything in me to find my way again.  I have asked myself so many times if you would be proud of me or ashamed.  I know the answer even before the question because I know you loved me unconditionally, but the lurking fear that in failing in my marriage I failed you still comes out from time to time.  I just can’t help but wonder what would be different if you were still around.

You were the most important man in my life.  You never tried to be my father, you just loved me and helped me grow.  I loved sitting and watching baseball, basketball, football, golf, bowling . . . watching anything with you.  I loved going to opening day with you every year and sitting at IHOP and talking.  I still smile when I think of you at every baseball game cheering me on and yelling “one time now!”  I hate that the Rangers finally got their act together after you were gone, but smile when I think of how excited you’d have been.

And I know that’s why you aren’t really gone.  I know that the things you taught me and how you loved me are the reasons why even through the hardest time in my life I am finding more strength than I thought I had.

I want to be a man that would make you proud.

I want to be a man like you were.

I know it’s life and it’s the way it works.  I firmly believe that death isn’t the end.  It’s just not the same without you here.

I miss you so much.

This isn’t enough.  Words are too small to encompass what you mean to me.  But they are what I have.  The good in me is because of you.  The pain of losing you is hard, but the strength you helped develop is why the losses I’ve suffered won’t beat me.

Thank you.

Categories: Uncategorized
  1. Colleen Kingery
    May 3, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    He’s unbelievably proud of you – don’t ever question that. And he’s watching over you every day! ((HUGS))

  2. May 5, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    The people we love are never gone because we carry them with us everyday. You are striving to be the best person you can be, no one could find fault with that! Hoping you find a measure of comfort from writing this! Big Hugs!

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