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Two Years

So I failed at my 30 day challenge, obviously.  I realized that I needed more structure, a plan for the days, as opposed to stream of consciousness writing.  I will try again with said plan, but it will have to wait until after this week, when my law school finals are finished.

This is a particularly difficult post to write.  Today is the two year anniversary of my grandpa’s passing.  This is arguably the hardest thing I have gone through (and I’ve had my share of hardship).  This is the reason for the move back from China and, ultimately, the reason why I’m in law school.

Two years.  It’s still such a raw feeling, missing him.  My grandparent’s raised me for a good part of my life.  They were the most consistent parts of a life that was soaked in chaos.  My grandpa was at every baseball game and every football game.  When I run into classmates and teammates from when I played, they always ask about him and tell stories about him cheering.  He had such a unique voice that everyone knew him.  Losing him definitely changed my life.  It’s hard sometimes to focus on who he was, and not how he was in the last days.  He was such a vibrant person that the effect of the cancer was devastating.  Grieving is hard.  Moving on from something like this has been hard.  There are good days and then there are days I still feel like a traitor for laughing.  I know he would want me to live and live fully, and that’s how I try to live, it’s just a little harder without him around.

I had planned on writing this post last week or at least not today.  I knew that it would be hard writing it today.  Reading it back I realize it’s barely coherent.  I’d delete it, but I don’t know that I’d rewrite it on another day.

There will be a Lonestar race recap coming in the next few days and more structure for the blog going forward.

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